Flow: Jeff Twietmeyer
01. Writer
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Jeff Twietmeyer
02. Theme
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Flow
03. MUSIC INSPIRATION
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Mark Guiliana:
2018 Drum Solo in Dublin
04. WRITING
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1/29/20
I missed a day of journaling yesterday. I’m not sure if it’s useful for me to collect thoughts I’ve written down in the past. Should I bother rereading it? Is the point to just get the thoughts out of my head at the time and nothing more? Should I even be asking these questions? Why do I need to question everything? I’d like to think I’m building upon something. Not just getting my thoughts out, but analyzing them in a way to best help me. Maybe the only help I need is to just get them out of my head. Maybe I don’t need to “just keep writing”. Maybe I don’t need to be anything than what I already am. I just caught myself staring out the window. I’m in my head. Is that so bad? That seems to be part of who I am. I’m not like most other people. Are there even people that are most like other people? Why am I always stacking myself against others? Judging them and judging myself. Why do I care so much about what others think of me? It’s so time consuming. It’s frustrating. Why can’t I just be who I am? Always worrying about the emotional stability of a situation as a whole, and the feelings of others, has, I think, caused a serious problem with anxiety in my life. It’s debilitating. It is honestly having an effect on every area of my existence. That was a stupid, ignorant thing to say. I just need to do the right thing moving forward. I think I know what that is. It’s just everything that comes along with it is anxiety ridden. I’m so worried about all the “small” stuff. What will people think of me? The situation I’m in. How I got here. The shame that’s keeping me here. Do I have it in me to make the changes that I need to make? Why can’t I just move forward? Staring out the window again. I was thinking about how I’m the only person that can do, and has done, exactly what I’ve done. I’m unique. Also I’ve been thinking for a long time how it would be nice to write down some of the things in my head as I think them. Carry a notebook or something. This is, I guess, the first time I’m actually doing it. I do get some good ideas. When I’m in my head thinking everything else around me shuts off. I’m not very observant when I get like this. Am I autistic? I feel like if I didn’t care so much about how others felt, and also about fitting in, and also about trying to be normal, I wouldn’t have anxiety. If I could think the way I think without distraction from anxiety I could apply my brain to something potentially life fulfilling. Anyway, I have good ideas in here, but I’ll probably never reread it. I guess I write to get it out at the moment, then maybe over time something sinks in.