Brian Stout




King Missile:
Detachable Penis


So this guy has a detachable penis. And then he loses it. He looks everywhere, asks his friends about its whereabouts, and ultimately has to pay seventeen bucks to a street vendor to get it back. The song itself sounds like a bar band hanging out on spoken word open mic night, with a vocal delivery that was an unholy alliance of the MTV Buzz Bin and this. Fifteen minutes of fame ensue. According to Lyric Genius, the notoriety also cost them airplay, but I scarcely remember this being accurate.

How’d they rope Richard Kern into directing? None of his calling cards or grit are on display. The video is as literal as the song, and equally boring. If this happened today, we’d probably have a YouTube channel or Tumblr to keep us informed of its adventures. One million followers for the detachable penis.

Worse yet, they missed the most intriguing part. What was his penis doing during its time away, while Hall was sleeping it off?

We have to stick with Hall because the song’s not called “Talking Penis,” but the video is a missed opportunity.

Did it get mad because he left it someplace? The narrator did mention he frequently loses it. I imagine an underappreciated detachable penis deciding to teach the owner a lesson.

Did they have a fight? Maybe it stormed off, got drunk, and passed out on the street vendor’s blanket? Maybe this is the reason for the frequent separations.

Maybe it was concerned about the prospects for the night, seeking to avoid being put someplace it didn’t want to go? Maybe it was brought out at an inopportune time, and the embarrassment was too much to bear.

Perhaps it jumped into an attractive woman’s purse or an attractive man’s jacket pocket, either to play matchmaker or strike out on its own.

Did it met up with another detachable to paint the town red? Maybe I’ve got it all wrong and Hall tossed it aside because it wasn’t operating as intended?

And what happened at the reunite? Did they embrace? Go get a beer and talk things out? Maybe it was the start of an epic blowout that led to one party moving out. Now they just exchange nods if they see each other from across the crowded room. Was Hall forced to find a new one?

Haven’t heard from John S. Hall for a minute, so I hope he and his penis came to an understanding. Or at least that he’s become more responsible about detachable penis ownership. I’d hate to find out he’s MIA because he’s lost it again.