03. MUSIC INSPIRATION
The 2nd Law: Isolated System
In an isolated system, entropy can only increase.
I’ve always felt different, indescribably different. Different felt shameful. Different felt unworthy. Different felt like no one could ever understand me; and certainly not to the depth that I intuitively could understand them. So I hid. I thought that I was fostering connection through providing utility for others. In desperation, I taught myself how to bend who I was in attempt to belong. If I could just provide more utility, or find a way to fit in; just maybe I would get the connection I was searching for.
It turns out that my strategy was a poor one. It didn’t foster connection; it conditioned me to be an inauthentic doormat, and it amplified my feelings of shame, unworthiness and aloneness. I lost who I was; I lost my voice.
When it became unbearable, I really had two options:
1. Figure out a way that I could exist in this world (while managing the crushing pain of loneliness), or
2. Figure out a way to die.
There wasn’t some grand pivotal moment or turning-point of clarity; however, because I asked myself the above question (and other questions like it) I started to turn towards introspection. I found joy in curiosity and discovery. I started diving into philosophy & theory (perspective); art & music (creation); writing & journaling (expression); and dance & sport (release). I dedicated energy towards self-growth. I made a promise to never stop improving.
I have a current (work-in-progress) conclusion: To alleviate the pain of loneliness, I have to be willing to experience the potential pain of being vulnerable. To be both unafraid of, and accepting of pain. To be myself, to speak my truth.
It seems that people find it easy to connect with me. A lifetime of feeling disconnected has acutely taught me that I never want someone else to feel the same pain from loneliness the way I do. I try to advance the conditions requisite to allow someone to be vulnerable; to be seen, heard and valued for all their messy raw awesomeness.
It’s in the realness that we can find genuine connection.
It’s in the connection that we can find order–together–and become whole again.