Jonathan Diener 




Hot Snakes:
Candid Cameras


I don’t know exactly how it happened or honestly when it happened, but it did. It did and it’s terrifying. I don’t know how I’m writing this without them seeing, especially if I’m the one seeing it too. I don’t have much time, so I’ll make this brief: the future is here and we’re all fucked.

The ocular implants were the logical extension of Bluetooth technology. The sweaty monsters at the gym and the runners were sick of wires getting in the way while they listened to music and worked on their god-like physiques. The rest of us—we never asked for it—riding the subway or sitting in coffee shops followed suit. I guess it wasn’t that bad—at least at the time.

Then having to hold your cell phone to look at it instead of pretending to pay attention to your friends, families, clients, bosses, etc. became too daunting of a task for our feeble humanoid forms. When the tech came out to see your phone’s operating system directly through your line of sight… well, I knew it would take off. And so did the investors. Those evil fucks.

We were already paying close to $2,000 for our phones and their plans every few years, but implants were cheap—like, REALLY fucking cheap in comparison. We started seeing the major companies fading out and then Facebook developed FaceFone. While we were laughing at the dumbest name in history, the company was getting ready to take over the world.

Soon YouTube, SnapChat, all of the social media apps weren’t at your fingertips—they were hard-wired to your brain. Worried about a hacker getting a hold of your credit card information? What about your social security number? Now imagine them hacking into your memories, your thoughts, your motor functions. It was about a year into FaceFone when we started hearing about the kids in Russia bombing capital cities. Senior citizens in retirement homes in Florida setting the buildings on fire and locking themselves in. You thought cat videos were annoying? You thought telemarketers were the end of the world? Imagine never being able to turn off advertisements in your own head. We couldn’t do anything to stop it.

They had our information and instead of simply controlling our lives they started taking them one by one. Population control.

Advances in technology gave us electricity, but in the wrong hands, we get a nuke. We’re in the next revolution and it all started with those shitty glass rectangles glued to our hands. They were always filming us, listening to us and tracking everything. Now they know everything about us and we’re defenseless.

Oh god, I don’t think I have much time left. So if you’re listening, please, I need you to know that if you’ve ever had the juicy, cheesy, iconic Big Mac it’s alright if you want to start smaller. The new Mac Jr. is a single patty with no middle bun. Available for a limited time. I’m lovin’ it.