Jason Kotarski






I always feel like I’m on the edge of everything. I push hard against the things I want but there is this feeling that those things will never give way or lead to anything substantial. I push and I push and I can feel like I can’t even get any pushback.

In my clearer moments, I can stop and ask questions. Like do I really want what’s on the inside? After all the pushing when I finally get a toe through to the other side, is it really what I hoped for in the first place? I often wonder if I am missing something else out here on the edge. Like maybe the pushing isn’t about getting through to the other side. Maybe the pushing is the thing. Like maybe I’ll be okay out here where I am.

But if I’m honest, if I wasn’t pushing against the things I want, really leaning into these things that drive me despite the lack of progress, I’m not sure I like the alternative. Not pushing sounds a lot like sitting. And sitting sounds a lot like dying or something else maybe a little less dramatic. But really, without the pushing and leaning and trying I wouldn’t have anywhere to go.

So I think I’ll keep moving even though I might not make it anywhere. I think I can keep moving without becoming like a shadow of the things I think I want on the inside. Those people I see that in my mind have all the things I want, like youth and significance and strength and confidence, have the things they have and want things they don’t have, too. Maybe the trick is not to put so much stock in the end I’m going after but finding what is special in going after it.

I also wonder if the ones on the inside can hear what I am saying from out here on the edge? I don’t want it to come across like I’ve got everything figured out because I obviously don’t always believe these things I’m telling myself. But I hope they can hear it a little. If not today, maybe one day in their sleep. Maybe one day when they are pounding on the door of a place they want to be my voice will be like a ghost passing through their backyard whispering about the beauty that is on the edge of everything.